Frustrated Man Sues Close-Up Toothpaste

In what could prove to be a major marketing and legal embarrassment for Unilever Nigeria Limited (UNL), a 26-year-old man has filed a case against the company, which owns the Close Up toothpaste brand, for ‘cheating’ and causing him ‘mental suffering’.

The plaintiff has cited his failure to attract any girl at all even though he’s been using Close-Up toothpaste for over seven years now. Close-Up advertisements suggest that the product helps men in instantly attracting women by letting their breaths out.

Anthony Olatunfe, the petitioner, also surrendered all his used, unused and half-used Close-Up tubes to the court, and demanded a laboratory test of the products. Anthony was pushed to take this step when his female boss slapped his face when he tried to kiss her after brushing his teeth with the Close-Up toothpaste.

“Where is the Close-Up effect? I’ve been waiting for it for over seven years. Right from my college to now in my office, no girl ever agreed to even go out for a tea or coffee with me, even though I’m sure they could smell my breath. I always brush my teeth with so much close up gel to make sure the girls get turned on by my fresh breath as they usually show on TV. “

Anthony claims that he had been using the toothpaste as per the company’s instructions even since he first bought them. He argued that if he couldn’t experience the Close-Up effect despite using the product as directed, either the company was making false claims or selling fake products.

“I had always stored them in cool and dry place, and kept them away from direct light or heat. I brushed my teeth morning and night. I did everything they instructed. I even beat up my 5-year-old nephew for coming near my toothpaste, as they had instructed to keep away from children’s reach. And yet, all I get is a slap from my boss.” Anthony expressed his frustration.

Unilever has officially declined to comment on the case citing the subject to be sub judice, but our sources inform that the company is worried over the possible outcomes of the case. The company might argue that Anthony was hopelessly unattractive and unintelligent and didn’t possess the bare minimum requirements for the Close-Up effect to take place. Officially Unilever has not issued any statement, but legal experts believe that they could have tough time convincing the court.

“Unilever might be tempted to argue that Anthony is too ugly to attract a girl, but it is very risky. There is no data to substantiate the supposition that unattractive and unintelligent men don’t attract women. In fact some of the best looking women have been known to marry and date absolutely unattractive guys. I’d suggest that the company settles this issue out of court.” Barrister Festus Keyamo said.