Barufu 2 (Must Read) By Kemi Jinadu

If you missed the first part to this article please click here.  In the midst of that laughter I decided to keep my opinion to myself because even if it was “barufu” as Modupe was found of calling fake I don’t think she would believe me, an opinion coming from a hair seller who refused to sell on credit is not worth expressing at the time.

One weekend after the workshop we decided to meet up in a restaurant; talks about the plight of my beloved county Nigeria was the centre of discussion.

Suddenly Modupe changed the subject she informed us that her daughter was told to pay £450 by her school for a one week summer trip to Spain. Modupe said it’s a five star half board vacation package; that most afternoons the student will be out on tours to visit places like royal palace of Madrid, Plaza Mayor Madrid, Plaza de la villa and many more I can’t remember the others but those mentioned stuck with me because they are popular places in Madrid. 

“Did the school think I pluck money from the trees? Where did they expect me to get such money when there are so many bills to pay?” Modupe avowed.

“I think she got a good deal for a five star half board package which included ticket and access to every museum, attractions and site seeing,” I reiterated.

“Is not mandatory, she does not have to go even me her mother has never been to Spain,” Modupe answered. 

Again Modupe will not cease to amaze me though her personality was that of a very nice, jovial, vivacious and gregarious middle-aged Yoruba woman.  

I must confess there are times I wish Modupe could just keep her irrational decisions to herself because I can’t help but to express the way I felt which sometimes could hit Modupe in the most sensitive place.

A number of scenarios that I have encountered with Modupe over the past few months flashed before my eyes; one was the case of Modupe caught in between making a decision if to hire a musician for a friend’s party or get a food caterer.  

Modupe’s friend preferred a musician who insisted on collecting £750 after discount as performance fee and the caterer’s part of the food added up to £600 which was cheaper.  Modupe choose to hire the musician for a friend as a favour because too many people are bringing in food.  

Considering the number of aso ebi Modupe has purchased, she would not wear Ankara aso ebi, she has a flair for expensive lace; the number of costly aso ebi Modupe has sewed over the last three months was more than enough to take her daughter on a trip to the moon .

 My thought visualised Modupe as one of those African parent to black teenagers in school uniforms I see in the public buses with long coloured weaves that reaches their buttocks. I have often wondered who their parent was, does their parent know?

The English educational authorities do not understand how black people's hair work, if not they would have ban long unkempt weave-in extensions; the teenagers cannot even maintain it; some hair look so stuck together with every strand desperate for comb or brush to dig through it, black people's hair could be versatile, we have the choice to do other hairstyles. 

I do understand peer group pressure everybody wants to be part of the happening clique or league, particularly children; is natural. 

A mother competing on behalf of their daughter with peer group could be disturbing; an issue I can’t comprehend as the case might be with the Brazilian hair incident.  It’s normal for children or even adult to be competitive, competition can be healthy but not all competition is healthy.

My daughter was barely five years old when she came back from school and told me that she would like to paint her nails pink. I gently said “No” you are not allowed." 

The next question was “why? How come Emily is allowed to paint her nails? She’s painted her nails strawberry red and I am going to paint mine pink! Then stick nail art on them so it look nicer than Emily’s,"  my daughter said in a tiny girlie voice. 

I remember thinking the word “strawberry red” was a bit too big for her but I believed that word was coming from Emily her classmate. Not only did she wanted to paint her nails, at the time she wanted a shade and design she considered a better colour to that of Emily’s, that was competition right there.

Also children and teenagers wanted to be grown up adult overnight they mimic older women, little girls in Mum’s high heels, worn bras stocked with socks or tennis balls.

Moreover should parent be getting involve in this competition? I just did not understand why Modupe will go as far as skipping two paid workshops so she could work overtime to earn more money to buy Brazilian hair for a secondary school student, fourteen years old but will refuse to make the same sacrifice for a school drip.  

Even though I have my doubt at a point I thought maybe she is just supporting her daughter with the choice of wearing Brazilian extensions by making sure she was not left out but after a while I realise its not the case; as this support seems to be conditional, it's based on visibility and a dying desire to belong to a clique. 
Yes is not my business but I see a lot of African parent in the diaspora going down this route all the time and it baffles me.

Last year I went to a five years old birthday party, I was struck by not just the hair style on this cute little girl’s head but the weight of the weave she was forced to carry on her miniature head. 

The poor girl had a full head covered with weave-in-extension, then the hairline was permed, the lively girl walked and ran around the venue looking like she carried the weight of the world over her head. 
A mix feeling of compassion and curiosity took over me I wanted to know who her mother is, who subjected her to this ill-treatment all in the name of fashion. The little girl cannot be more than five to seven years old.

I agree that things have changed, not the same as things used to be, today’s children are different their generation are moving way too fast for their age but is no excuse for waywardness. 

Teenage children can be rebellious sometimes problematic depending on the individual, parents and home grooming; children can also be different even when they are from the same parent there is always a black sheep in the family but I think the environment could also be a contributing factor. 

In today’s Africa, Nigeria to be specific secondary school children shaves or plaits their hair, these teenagers are still the same generation with those teenage children living abroad so I did not totally agree with that saying according to Modupe that their generation is different as an excuse, is a flimsy one.

I do understand sometimes when I see some school teenage girls in full make-up, even some fix false eyelashes not that I agree with the act but for some their parent are not aware, they left the house looking like any normal student. They later look for a secluded place to transform into a drag queen; at least their parent did not know. We have all done some doggy exploit without our parent’s awareness.

The issue is some African parent living in the diaspora aids and abet indiscipline they even initiate it, the question is why? Some go as far as buying on credit which is exactly the attitude Modupe was about to carry out if I had allowed it, or maybe she did with another creditor.

Abena originated from Ghana, her Mum Ghanaian and her Dad was from a Nigerian and Ghana descendant, he’s late.  Abena's familiarity remained with Ghana and Nigeria’s culture but she claims her Mum’s root as its custom in Ghana.  Unlike Nigeria where children belongs to their Dad’s origin.  

Something about Abena was different, her intellect, articulation, lifestyle, physique considering her age was distinctive.

Silently I observed and discreetly I admire Abena as a role model, when I sometimes got into a heated argument with Modupe as we both have a strong personality and an absolute different views about life she impartially stepped in and advice accordingly.  Two of her daughters are graduates, Gifty is a pathologist, while Mercy is an Anaesthetist, her third daughter was studying performing art.

However, I have met Abena’s children on a number of occasions the feeling I exuded was nothing less than admiration.  Though no children or parent are perfect but with Abena I see a western-Africa sort of discipline which I am far from, I see a woman that worked so hard to implement and enforce discipline.  Abena’s children radiated with excellent manners, etiquette, confidence and panache; I am in no way close to these qualities but I admire and appreciate them.

Humbleness, second to nature to Abena, Gloria her last child loves to sing and act, so she decided to enrol her in a Saturday school in the west end but at the time could not afford the fees, the charges are £90 a day, four days sum up to £360 which I think was a bit too much so she decided to pick up a menial job.  

Abena I later discovered have afforded a PHD academia tittle, she has dined, wine with de la crème and mingled with top dignitaries of Ghana.

Astonishment swept over me when I saw pictures of Abena and family on different occasions with ex- Ghana president Rawlings, and even notable people from Nigeria.

I can’t get over the drastic change of Abena's lifestyle, what happened? Why Abena now lives in London like a commoner? Questions began to pop up in my mind almost at the tip of my tongue, then caution kicked in as it might be a sensitive situation or a reminder of a tragedy so I refrained.  I secretly prayed for Abena that God will bless and restore all the good times.

One must give credit when credit is due, Abena was just too humble in her dealings with people, I honoured Abena’s invitation her hospitality skill was impeccable. 

I know people who have not travelled the same journey of life but had a little encounter with a prominent individual and maybe a degree which majority has that won’t give me and Modupe the audience and kindly treatment she granted us; but would instead treat us like we are dirt underneath her shoe, walk and act like a proud peak cock, stop at nothing to flaunt her social or political status as I suspected the case might be. 

Remind us at the slight of any conversation of her seniority (like some will say London is a leveller back in my country you’re not even on my level, Lol!) must admits she's the boss, I hold her in high esteem, she knows and honour it.

Modupe’s daughter (Bimpe) shocked me the day she called me to cajole her Mum on the issue of the school drip when she mentioned her Mum’s extravagant spending on the same issue of aso ebi, I was stunned she share the same view, I realised she noticed everything and I tried to cover up and support Modupe’s excuse of not having money then discreetly still pleaded on Bimpe’s behalf.  Modupe’s mind was made up, she won’t budge.

Does it really matter if one's children travelled to where the parent has never been? Every mother's prayer would be for their children to be greater than them in all spheres of life, to be more successful, to prosper, and to go places they've never visited.

Modupe goes to party every weekend; depriving the girl of a drip that is not just benefiting academically but also refreshing and relaxing in a different environment was just selfish and a misplace of priority.

I will understand if Modupe does not have the money or any means of raising the money; but if you can raise money to hire a £750 Musician, bought pricey aso ebi almost every weekend and buy almost £300 worth of Brazilian hair then she must be able to fund her daughter’s drip.

Nothing wrong in sewing aso ebi to support friends or family, I love those elegant colourful styles the Africans display at social events, but ones child should be priority, must supersede if the issue of insufficient funds arise.

Also showing support and helping a friend is good and not wrong but the need to be desperately showy, to be hungry for attention, to crave for acceptance by leagues, friends, need to be part and feel among at the expense of one’s daughter and family could be a symptom of a problem.

Modupe, a nice lady but hunger for attention, she's needy, crave for outward appearance compliment and have to belong at all cost.  There is the need to please and belong to the Awaunbe league.

It’s in human nature to have a sense of belonging, to want to belong to a clique, team, and groups; to receive positive compliment and to be generally accepted is good but at what expense? Children? Marriage? Self-Improvement?

There is an undertone of low self-esteem, victims of low-self-esteem lives on being needy, the need to please, need for people to feed their ego, need to be accepted, need to belong, need to be unnecessarily competitive and fear of rejection.  Low self-esteem people could also be arrogant, proud, manipulative and treat others like they are beneath them, a defence mechanism. (Topic for another day).

The needy attitude could be precarious if not controlled; at the expense of trying to be unnecessarily competitive they drag and verbally tear down others, make their chosen victim look bad, find fault in everything they do, if they cannot find one, they make up false stories or even set them up to prove or support the false allegations so they could shine.

Even when they get the attention it's not self-satisfactory, not enough, not fulfilling, is short lived because the means of getting the five minute glory is through wickedness, they crave for more.   Severe low-self esteem according to research could lead to mental disorder and depression.

As the case of Abena might be a secure person knows who they are, is not threatened by the growth and brilliance of other people, and is comfortable with their place in the world. They can still be ambitious and strive in a healthy way without being needy, wanting to belong  so to please.

Abena roars with a healthy self-esteem, her world is not perfect but she did not need to flaunt, or to prove her worth or value to us; it shines and stands out on its own. I knew there was something about her the first time I saw her. A confident woman is attractive the need to prove and feel among, or be accepted by people and not God is irrelevant and self- destructive.

Examining myself, Abena and Modupe our lifestyle, world, background, orientation are different but everybody cannot be the same we Africans especially mothers must first evaluate and work on our-selves, attitudes, and state of minds. 

The way we feel about our self does matter and it’s evident in the training we give our children.  Though nobody could be perfect, flaws and challenges are inevitable especially with bringing up teenagers but keeping this shortcomings at its minimal should be of paramount importance.  Won ni ti a ba bini ki a tu ara eni bi.  (Mi non-Yoruba readers search Google for Interpretation! Lol!)

By K Jinadu

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