Article by By Yetunde Arebi
My mind raced back to one
of my many conversations with my dear friend Bella as I listened to this guy’s
argument on why his five year old daughter must be circumcised. His poor wife,
Aduni, had asked me to help talk to him.
Had she known that this
would be his decision, she probably would have kept her discovery to herself.
That she had caught their little girl playing with her clitoris.
My friend, Bella has a
similar challenge. You’ll often hear her describe herself as an incomplete
woman or freak whenever the issue of s*x comes up in our discussions. A very
cosmopolitan extrovert and successful Lawyer, Bella exudes confidence and
accomplishment and it is quick to notice that she is on top of her game.
Only those very close to
her get to know her other side of her life. And though she has never showed me
physically, she’d given a very graphic picture of what she looks like down
below, several times. This she said was her main reason for walking out of her
marriage after birthing her only child.
It was pointless enduring
the s*x when she felt no pleasure.She had panicked, thinking that their
innocent angel had been corrupted and might now grow into a common slut, if
something was not done quickly. But while she had been lost for what to do, she
had least expected that circumcision would be her husband’s solution.
Aduni said she had been
raised in the village and circumcised, so she had experienced the pains and
discomfort associated with female circumcision and is now living with its
aftermaths. She was not sure if she wanted her beautiful princess to go through
the same or live her life the way she was being forced to.
For many women, the
inability to experience full s*xual pleasure or achieve orgasm during s*xual
inte.rcourse has remained an elusive mirage, leaving most who are not even
circumcised, confused with many unanswered questions.
Studies have shown that men
are likely to orgasm 90-98 percent of the time they have s*x. In fact, this is
often the way a woman knows that the game is over. Unfortunately, same cannot
be said about the woman and not a few reasons are responsible for this.
Several major research
works on human s*xuality record that only about 25 percent of women climax or
experience intense s*xual pleasures during s*x with their partner, while 40–50%
have either complained about s*xual dissatisfaction or experienced difficulty
becoming s*xually aroused at some point in their lives.
These figures are
significantly higher in African societies and cultures where Female Genital
Mutilations (FMG) as well as other cultural practices are predominant and act
as inhibitors.
Orgasm can be simply
described as the release of built up s*xual tension in both men and women
during a s*xual encounter. The inability to have orgasm after ample s*xual
stimulation is called anorgasmia or ejaculatory anhedonia.
For many women, not being
able to climax can be caused by everything from unrealistic expectations, to
awful s*x, to discomfort with their bodies, discomfort with their partners or
discomfort with s*x itself.
This is to the exclusion of
medical conditions, s*xual abuse, rape and their aftermath traumas. In fact,
biologists and researchers for many years have been trying with little success
to figure out the whole concept of the elusiveness or even why females orgasm
at all, since their reproduction does not depend on it unlike the male.
However, what they have
successfully been able to figure out is how women can achieve orgasm. And every
woman can learn to, if they really want.
To know if you have ever
experienced the big “O”, or will ever actually do, you need to understand what
it is in the first instance. After all, if you are travelling to a new
destination, you will not know if you have arrived there without an address or
map guiding you to the location.
The truth is that most
women who have taken time to study their bodies, especially the s*x organs and
how they work, find it easier to enjoy their s*xual relationship. In the same
way, a man who is knowledgeable about the female body will understand and know
how to set it in correct motion.
Sigmund Freud was the first
to suggest that there were two types of female orgasm, the Clitoral and the
Va.ginal orgasms. He went on to describe the clitoral orgasm as a juvenile act
of pleasure, to be experienced while in one’s youth. Freud said once a woman
matures she will go on to experience the v*ginal orgasm as a result of
stimulation through penetrative s*x or inter.course. It would appear that many
men are fixated with this theory.
A friend once told me
something similar to this position. According to her, she has only experienced
orgasm three times in all of her 19 years relationship with her husband, which
includes three years of courtship. One night during one of her few outbursts on
her lack of s*xual fulfilment in the early days, her husband had categorically
told her that he found it weird that he had to bring her to climax with his
fingers.
A full grown woman
according to him, must learn to orgasm through s*xual interc.ourse. She must
figure out how to adjust. The subject died a natural death that night and has
never been discussed again. She has been coping ever since. Hmm!
However, s*x researcher,
Alfred Kinsey will later refute Freud’s claim in his own study which according
to him revealed that there is only one type of female orgasm. To him, an orgasm
is an orgasm so long as it takes place inside or outside of the female genital,
no matter which part of her body was being stimulated.
Most s*xologists and
researchers over the years have corroborated Kinsey’s findings, insisting that
the area located in the front wall of the v*gina identified as the Grafenberg
spot, or otherwise known as the G-spot is actually a bundle of nerves, gland or
series of glands from the clitoris which extend into the wall of the v*gina.
Therefore, the v*ginal
orgasm can also be achieved when combined with stimulation of the clitoris,
invariably still making the clitoris the central or focal point of the female
orgasm. Are you still wondering why many circumcised women may find it difficult
to enjoy s*x or indeed, may never experience an orgasm?
The importance of the
clitoris to female orgasm or s*xual satisfaction is very crucial. The clitoris
may be described as the most important part of the female s*xual pleasure. It
is to the woman, what the penis is to the man. The clitoris or clit is a small
bud-like formation located slightly above the opening to the v*gina and at the
top of the inner labia.
Though its size and shape
differs from woman to woman, it is generally believed to be between 1/8 to 3/8
of an inch in size. The clitoris is highly sensitive and full of nerve endings
which become engorged when a woman is aroused.
Though many of the clitoral
nerve endings are subterranean, or below the surface, the visible part is just
the tip of the iceberg as, even “in hiding,” the 6,000 to 8,000 sensory nerve
endings are a mega source of incredible pleasure for many women.
This is in contrast to the
v*ginal walls which contains relatively few nerve endings and only the lower
third of it has enough nerve endings to feel stimulation from a penis, finger,
s*x toy, or other penetrative object. It is therefore logical that intense
s*xual stimulation, pleasure and orgasm from v*ginal-only penetration are
pretty much unlikely to happen.
This is why a vast majority of women will need
clitoral stimulation to enjoy s*x or achieve orgasm since v*gina penetration on
its own is not always enough. So guys, sweating and tiring yourselves out by
humping and thrusting endlessly at your partner does not mean you are giving
her the most pleasurable experience of a lifetime. You need to get more
creative, versatile and patient with us. And even more so, if you discover that
your partner is missing that vital part of her s*x organ, then don’t be fooled
by those moans, name callings and “ohmigods”, they probably are just ways to
hurry you up to get it over with. Believe me, most women are experts in this
instance!
One question women who are
confused about how they feel while having s*x often ask is, how they will know
if they have achieved orgasm. According to s*x researchers, William H. Masters
and Virginia E. Johnson in their seminal work titled Human S*xuality, orgasms
are a combination of two things, a build up of muscle tension and the release
of same. When a woman gets incredibly turned on, she builds up muscle tension
around her pelvis and her clitoris and v*gina becomes engorged with blood just
like the male penis does.
At the same time, the
v*gina wall also starts to secrete beads of lubrication which eventually gets
bigger and flow together. During an orgasm, all these tension technically known
as Myotonia is released and a flood of hormones flows into the body causing
intensely pleasurable feelings. Though centred around the genitals, pleasure
can be felt all over the body depending on the individual.
Her heart rate, blood
pressure and breathing increases, muscles contract throughout her body,
especially in the v*gina, uterus, rectum, and pelvic floor. Upon orgasm, all
the tension is released and a pleasurable, relaxed feeling takes over. This is
probably why most men will fall asleep after s*x. And the women? If you have
felt anything close to this, then you are damn lucky! And if otherwise, don’t
be sad, as I said earlier, it is achievable, you only need to work harder at
it. Yes, work harder!
There is no doubt that the
female clitoris will forever remain the centre of her s*xual gravity and it is
important that this as well as other features of her s*xual organ, often
disposed of during female circumcision must be preserved in order for her to
live a pleasurable and fulfilled life. However, difficulty or inability to
enjoy a fulfilling s*xually pleasurable life is perhaps the least of the
problems associated with female genital mutilation.
Besides the immediate
consequences which include pain, bleeding, infection, injury to genital
tissues, shock and even death, it results in a silent ongoing torture
throughout the life of the women.
Depending on the extent of
the cut, complications during childbirth, urinary infections, genital sores and
cysts are also challenges she might be subjected to. Is there any reason why
anyone should live a life of pain and sorrow based on the ill judgement of
others? Is there any reason why anyone should live a life of pain and inadequacy
because of the ill judgement of others, shrouded under the guise of culture and
tradition?
The excuse that circumcised
women are more chaste than uncircumcised ones, if true at all, is not enough
reason to mutilate any girl. S*xual discipline is as much psychological as it
is physical. It is everybody’s duty to help the girl child achieve her full
potential as a woman and live a total life. So, dear daddy, please don’t. Do
have a wonderful holiday!
By Yetunde Arebi
Lack of knowledge is darkness what a shame.
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